Heather's Inbox

When random people inbox me saying they love my blog posts and books - or are obviously aware of my books - and then get offended and upset when their attempts to try and elicit romantic and/or otherwise serious chats is met with the sarcasm my books are popular for, it's quite amusing. When people inbox me with those stupid "send this to 10 friends you care about" or "today is National stick a finger inside an Ostrich day, pass this on to everyone on your friends list to save the ostrich" or "send this on to everyone on your friends list otherwise you'll contract cancer" I get a teeny weeny bit annoyed. Personally if I was laying in a hospital bed, dying of terminal cancer, and a friend or family member walked in and said "Hi Heather, sorry that you're going to die a slow and painful death but I've just started a prayer chain on Facebook for you. I hope that makes you feel better." I'd probably get out of bed and cho...

I wonder if any Nigerian man has ever successfully seduced a gormless white girl and got her to pay for his flights. I imagine it's unlikely. I hope it never happens. And I'm not being racist...

Every so often I get asked by one of my friends to wind someone up on their behalf. Usually when someone gets an unsolicited message from a horny Indian or a random Nigerian asking them for money. I also like responding to the Nigerian scammers who email people. Anyway, I recently met someone who is... well... a bit like me. I mean seriously it's like she's my clone or something. She does exactly the same thing I do: winds up the sexual predators and scammers on Facebook and publishes the conversations online for the amusement of others. Needless to say we get on very well. We recently decided to team up in a joint effort to baffle an African man who wanted her to pay for him to come over to Australia, marry her and basically get a green card. I played her psychotic ex girlfriend (yes, that's right). It's a bit different but a change is good...

The thing with trying to get e-pregnant is you have to have regular e-sex. There is quite a small window after one's e-period where the woman e-ovulates. This means cramming as much awkward e-sex into as short a time as possible. This is no doubt nice for the man, who gets to insert his e-penis into an e-vagina more in one week than he probably manages for an entire year otherwise. For the woman it just means having to e-fake e-orgasms and ultimately get left un-esatisfied and un-efulfilled...

So after our first awkward, clumsy attempt at trying to make an e-baby , I established that my new e-hubby must suffer from premature e-jaculation or something. I mean, seriously, it was over in a matter of seconds. Anyway, because we are trying for an e-baby, it was decided we should try again. Afterall we need to being having the e-sex on a regular basis in order for him to e-pregnate me... The thing with e-sex is, once you've got over the awkwardness and fear of losing your e-virginity, it starts to feel more comfortable and you can start to enjoy it more and experiment with new things and new positions. Em is certainly starting to grow in confidence. He just needs to work on his e-ndurance next. I think this one lasted almost a minute...

Every so often a real gem comes out of my random Facebook exchanges; people who really deserve their own blog. There's been the one and only Jaka. There's also been Muhammad Ali and his year-long quest to teach me Islam and make me his wife, Paulson Woles and his romantic ramblings, and who can forget Chad the Impaler and his bipolar switch from passionate lover to angry terrorist? More recently there has been Ishola Akinpelu who also likes to be referred to as "Emperor". I call him "Em" for short. Despite being an obvious butt of jokes in one of the groups I'm in, and knowing all about this blog where I expose idiots and publish inbox exchanges online, he continues to be oblivious and has somehow confused my mocking satire with a genuine belief that we are in some sort of real relationship. I've been keeping a satirical diary of our "e-lationship" in this group for sheer giggles and invited all members to our e-wedding. One of my ...